Nov 22, 2011

2-minute talk

The Girl Behind the Unbroken Smile 

Hi. I really don’t know what to share as my expression page the fact that my life is kind of uninteresting. So, I came up with this, instead. Sit back and prepare your pack of tissues as I read this not-so-emotional essay. 

I’ve always thought of what would happen to me if ever the time comes that I’ll be lying six feet under the ground. Like… What if I die? Will I be missed? Will my worth be realized? Will my absence be noticed? Will it turn out good, or along with my disappearance and silence will be the end of everything? Well yeah, I’m pretty sure my friends would. Perhaps, it's only them who seem to see my worth. Every single time something pops up my mind related to appreciation, I never fail to tear up. I always think my parents never appreciate me, because neither can I feel nor see it. I don't know. I feel like a worthless shit to them. Others say they only act like that for me to be more motivated to strive harder. I don’t really understand why they need to do this and that. I’m trying my best for them to realize I’m not like what they think, but my best seems to be not enough all the time. I’m different, and I’m fragile, I say. Yes, I usually get hurt even because of small things. Whatever you say, whether it’s important or the other way around, I tend to digest it until it becomes all my think-about and I even blame myself for being like this. I’m trying to be strong, but I guess I really can’t. I'm thankful I have my alter egos, or yeah, best friends. They are my shoulders to cry on, and my sweetest downfalls. They never fail to turn my frown upside down. Well, you know what I mean. But seriously, my friends are my life! I don't know what to do without them. I consider them my family, the fact that they are only the ones who could understand me. I’m a teenager, so I’m always misunderstood, but when I’m with them, I feel so good. I feel more than comfortable.

I over-think things. My mind's full of crap I cannot understand. I once thought of what will happen if I die now. Yes, now. Will people cry a bucket of tears? Will people miss me? Will people regret for not having me around anymore? Things like those. You know, this is one hard thing about keeping problems inside yourself. Well, I don't even know what those problems are. The only think that I know is that I don’t understand what I really feel. It just bugs me all the time. Like, every single time. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and probably confused.

It's hard crying yourself to sleep with no one else to lean on to. You might think I’m that emotional, but hey! This is me. I'm a cry baby, they say. Well, who cares? If that's the only way that I would feel a lot better, then so be it. You shall not judge a person unless you've felt their pain. People think I’m happy, like I have no predicaments in life, but deep inside, I’m really not. I sometimes even prefer to make others smile even if I, myself, is hurting inside. As the saying goes, “Sometimes, the girl who's been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her”. Every heart has a pain but the way of expression is different. Some hide it in their eyes and some hide it in their smiles. I’m good at it, yeah? 

I’m not an insecure person, but the only thing that makes me jealous is my sister. All the attention’s at her. As if she knows everything. We’re both always compared, and that’s very irksome on my part knowing that she has all the positive annotation, and I’m… Oh well, never mind. I’m also being moody at times. Like, hating everyone I see or hear, then finding myself very annoyed. Mood swings? Probably a part of growing up. 

I was once consoled by Ma’am Oyet about my shallow problem. It’s good having someone older than you to listen to your problems, because they are the ones who exactly knew more about life. According to her, we should forgive our parents for they do not know what they are doing sometimes. We should live our own life, and do good things because life is too short. We should take life lightly. 

I guess I just need to stop thinking of what others say, because at the first place, I wasn’t even born to please everyone. I’ll strive more to be better – to not cry at shallow things, to be stronger, and to be more responsible. Life is beautiful!!! As what Miley Cyrus said, "God gave you this life because He knew you were strong enough to live it".

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