Didn't See This Coming

Have you ever had someone whom you considered your bestfriend that turned out to be the other way around? I mean, a bestfriend that would leave you hanging somewhere between the line and in just one snap, would treat you as a total stranger. Well i did. We were inseparable and blithe; we made big, big plans for our future together; we were partners in crime; we were more than sisters… but what happened?

She turned out to be very different from what i expected of her. Thus, a total opposite of the bestfriend i’ve known from the start. I don’t understand why she needs to treat me this way. I don’t know what made her do these to me. I couldn’t even recall a single thing i did that would be the reason for this whole issue.

She has been tweeting stuff on twitter about these and that. Not to sound assuming but i have this strong feeling that she was referring to me.

• I’ve just realized something today, i’m so not gonna change my high school best friends for anyone else.
• You’re too good to be true sweetie. That’s why i don’t like you. Sorry.
• I once had a best friend that’s now a stranger.
• I was wrong when i thought u were my bestfriend. Sorry, but i jst realized there is nothing compared to my highschool bestfriends.
• If u said you would do this, & that, be sure u mean it cause i hate expecting for nothing. get it?

I’ve been crying and venting for three straight nights to my guy friends (simply because they were only the ones who never fail to understand me), and to my mom. It was such a relief knowing i still have them to listen to me no matter what, and i’ve learned and realized things which made me think i was a total loser the whole time. I should have told her to be extra tactful of her words – just because we’re bestfriends, doesn’t mean she could insult me anytime she would want to. Truth be told, i was only concealing my thoughts of her tactlessness, and was only keeping my feelings to it. I shouldn’t have let her manipulate me in some ways, and i shouldn’t have let myself be too attached with people like her, knowing i’m very much sensitive.

The friendship is over, i guess? I never regret meeting her, though. I’m already trying to distance myself from people. I shouldn’t get too attached easily for me not to get hurt so much. If she wants reconciliation, why not? But i assure that things will never be the same again. I already learned lessons, and what she did was enough for me to realize that she’s not the type of bestfriend i would have for the rest of my life.

I know God let this happen for a purpose, and i’m looking forward to knowing what it is.

5 More Days...

Before i’ll be leaving my home for good. Dad wanted me to join the summer bridge program UP will be having on the 9th. It’s sort of like a 40-day training for freshmen in preparation for college. I didn’t want to join but i come to think that it’s for my own good, though most probably i’ll be feeling homesick knowing that this is the first time that i’ll be living alone. Well not really alone, because i’ll be meeting new friends there. But the fact that my parents aren’t with me just sucks. I am not independent. I was used to having them with me like almost all the time. I’ll be “jailed” for more than a month and that’s way too long already.

I don’t know what i’m feeling right now. Seems like i’m excited yet i’m having cold feet about the thought that i will be leaving already and staying in a place with strangers for forty freaking days. How come time flies so fast, aye?

I must learn how to be self-reliant. I must learn how to not trust anyone that easily. I’m in a new nature already. Everything goes back to zero. I’m just hoping that this would turn out to be more than what i’m expecting - that i would catch myself saying i don’t want it to end. Please, Lord.

Starfish

It’s been so long since someone swept me off my feet and made me feel butterflies in my stomach. Time flies so fast. I never knew that “dance” would make a difference. A big difference, indeed. Let’s say, I like him already. No. But yes! Haha. I don’t know, really. I still don’t understand why I’m in high spirits everytime I catch him in school, and why he won’t get off my mind. Isn’t he tired yet? He’s been running through my mind since last week! “If you can’t get off someone out of your head, maybe because he/she is supposed to be there.” Hmmm? Why do I have to feel this way? I find it awkward, knowing that we aren’t that close, but I guess we’re “friends”. Yes, it’s awkward because he calls me “ate”, where in fact I think we’re only in the same age.

Okay yes, I admit it. Everyday, I’m on tenterhooks to see him. Right now, he’s one of the reasons why I want go to school everyday. Lol you know what I mean. Wink! The funny thing is that I tend to have cold feet whenever we cross ways, which I think makes me look stupid. I don’t know if I should say hi or what. But I always end up pretending that I do not notice him, then regretting it afterwards.

I see him as a kind-hearted, smart kiddo. Yes, he is calm and quite mysterious. And it makes me want to know him more. We talked once but that was just about the shirt thingo. Our conversation is still on my messages on Facebook. I open it everytime I feel lazy-ass and unmotivated to do the tasks that needs to be accomplished. Then poof! It became coco krunch. Lol joke. After reading those stuff, I’m ready to kick some ass because of euphoria. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!

And if ever there comes a time that he would talk to me (lol assuming)… I don’t know what to do exactly! It’s like I want him to know, but I don’t want to tell him. If only I have the guts! And no, I’m not expecting him to feel the same way. Lmao what am i? I am not the girl boys fall in love with, anyways. What’s important is that he’s making me feel inspired, and he’s making me happy (even if he doesn’t know), without even trying.

Guess what

I passed UP, okay!!! This was really unexpected knowing that the test was a back-breaker. I’m quite disappointed, though. UP Cebu, and Mass Communication were only my second choices. But i guess it meant something - UP Diliman, and Tourism weren’t really for me. Hmm? This is so much to thank God about. I’m more than blessed! Well, you gotta expect the unexpected.

I asked Him for a sign, if i should pursue with the course or not. Without knowing he would give one, i was so astonished. Should i follow the sign or? Sighs. This one’s giving me a hard time. I need to do some serious thinking. So help me God. ♥

Historic

I was never excited of the retreat for some reasons. Yeah, ordinary day for me. The night before the event, i listed the things i need to bring, then packed. Slept at around 12, i guess. As soon as i woke up, i was thinking of stuff that would possibly happen. Hey, daydreamer. Hahaha.

January 12

• Went to school late. Very late.
• Everyone was ready.
• Had ghost stories with the girls.
• Arrived at the retreat house.
• Orientation blah blah.

"You should not be only present physically, but also mentally emotionally, spiritually, and kili-kili" -Ate Jing. Hahahahahahahaha. Ice breaker!

• Bag inspection.
• Surrendered gadgets.

Bye phone.

• Hello, roommates!!

My roommates weren't really that close to me, but i guess everything really happens for a reason. I got to know them more and we had a good time! Hi, Mau and Shaine. We even ended up calling ourselves Meow-squared + Shaine. ♥

• Good news...

Is another term for food there. The buzzer for good news is what we were all waiting for. Hahaha! Good news at 10 for snacks , then at 12 for lunch, then at 3 for merienda, and lastly at 7 for dinner. Pig out! Oink.

• Session 1 at the session hall.

Drew stuff about ourselves, had sharing with our groups, then burned the paper. Hugs hugs hugs!

• Good news. Always good news. Yes baby.
• Had bonding with classmates.
• Session 2...

Jai Ho, you are the reason that i breathe. You are the reason that i still believe. You are my destiny, Jai Ho!!! Hahahaha. We actually watched a video clip of a man walking to nowhere, then Jai Ho was the background music.

• Good news round 3!!!!

Some of us were blindfolded. It was super fun, indeed. It taught us that we should trust and have faith to the one who's guiding us eventhough we're blinded of what could happen in the future. Chaby and Chard, thank you.

• Night sessions at the chapel.

Affirmations are the best!! Those positive things that my classmates wrote about me were all unexpected. That made me smile for real! And... We were given the chance to give a heart to anyone we wanna talk to - thank that person, say sorry, or whatever you wanna say. So i think that was the most emotional part. Christian was the one who gave me the heart first. He thanked me for being a good friend and everything. Yes, i cried. Then, Nikko gave me one too. And Ivan. We had a long, serious talk. Lol you gotta expect the unexpected. Dayumn, i think i've hurt another person again. Sighs. Oh well. I sat at the chapel for a couple of minutes then approached my bestfriend, Prince. Hello, i never knew we would be sooooo emotional. Hahahaha. Then i went straight back to the chapel. Sir asked me then if i tapped Jaja. I was like.. Ha? No! Only to find out, there was something creepy happening there. Goosebumps. I didn't mind that 'cause i know it would scare the hell out of me. Talked to Rosit after, then to Hannah, etc.

• Proceeded to our room assignments at 10:30 pm.

Hello, eyebags! Hello, cellphone! We were allowed to check our phones for just 10 minutes. Haha great. Messaged my mom then turned it off again. Everyone was having a good time telling stories. It was at 11 when we were told to sleep because the lights will be turned off. Scaredy cats! The girls were planning to transfer rooms because we got scared of the storied we heard. But Meow-squared + Shaine don't wanna break rules, so we slept on our own rooms. We had stories of our own, because we can't sleep. At the middle of our conversation, we heard someone ran as if someone was chasing him/her. We stared at each other then for us not to get have cold feet, i said "Nah, baka classmate lang natin yun, nagtransfer ng room." Hahaha!!! Then we continued. Minutes after, we heard someone talking outside again. Now we got a little more spooked, but i was electrified when Meow-squared asked Shaine to go outside and check who that was. Hahaha and she was serious. I told them not to mind it 'cause i was damn scared already, i wasn't only showing it. Lol. I never knew i left them. Yes, i've slept. Then at 1 o'clock, i woke up. I don't know whyyyyy. Maybe someone was watching me. I was looking around then i kept on shaking Shaine for her to wake up. I cannot sleep that time. It was soooo hot. Blame the small electric fan!! Upon, bugging Shaine, Mau woke up. She wasn't asleep after all. Hahaha. We talked for a while then i kept on praying. Horray!!

January 13

• Good morning, sunshine!!!! ♥
• Woke up at 5:30.
• Stayed at the hallway.
• Talked with the girls and some boys.

Found out that the girls had ninja moves last night. Yes, i was right! It was them whom we had heard running. Hahahaha. Also the boys! And for that, sir Felmar was awake the whole night, until he surrendered.

• Decided to take a bath at 6.

Meow-squared was the first to enter the comfort room inside our quarters. She takes a bath very fast!!!! Hahaha. It took us 30 minutes to wait for her. Lol peace, Mau.

• Buzzzzzzz! Good news!!!!

Rani's watermelon + soy sauce, and Joh's watermelon + vinegar. Swag!!!!

• Free time.

We went to the shoooore. Joh, Che, and Neil had boating which is prohibited. Lol. Rosit even caught a puffer fish according to Kristine. My classmates are the best okay!! ♥

• Session at the chapel.

We wrote letters to the Lord. ✝ Others shared in front of us what they wrote but only Johanna, made us all burst into tears. Hugs hugs hugs!!!! We never got tired of hugging each other. Those thank you's, sorry's and all. We were still crying and hugging each other, then suddenly ate Jing told us to have a class picture. Haha ansaveh ng mga namamagang mata. 

• Good news!!!
• Session again.

Wrote letters for our parents. At first, i really don't know what words to write. Then, ended up filling the whole bond paper with nonsense stuff. I didn't even know what i wrote. Hahaha.

• Last good news together at the dining hall. :(
• Free time.

We were asked to pack our things already. Awwww! :( Had bonding with my classmates again. Hello, phone! Soundtripped with my guy friends. Left our keys, and ID's hanging at the doorknob. Placed our things beside the session hall, then went back to the chapel.

Wait, Shaine's yellow submarine is epic!!! Hahaha. Peace, Shaine.

• Last session :(

Mass together with our parents. Felt bad about some of my classmates not having their parents around. Sighs. I was holding back my tears the whole duration of the mass. Haha i don't want my parents to see me crying. I gave them the letter i made. I even wondered what their reaction would be. Fingers crossed.

• Last bonding moments at the retreat house. :(

Had our pictures taken outside the chapel, ran near the sea, jumpshots, laughtrips, cheerdance-moves, ate bread and all!!

Damn son! The retreat gave me soooo much to remember. I never thought i would be soooo in love with my classmates and adviser already. Sleeping, waking up, and having good news with them makes me want to invent time machine so freaking bad. Being with them for two days, and one night is just the best! I've learned a lot. Now, we're all begging for a retreat round two. I love you guys so much. And one day not seeing you all makes me miss you. Rock on, Saint Mark!!!!!! ♥♥♥

Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish it. Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God.

Test with death

Last Friday, i went home very pissed off and tired. I can't even remember why. As soon as i finished changing clothes, i hit the bed. Mom woke me up for me to eat dinner. Since i wasn't in the mood, i only ate a few. After such, i lied down again. Mom kept on telling me not to sleep 'cause i might have nightmares or stomach upset. "Yes mom, yes mom", i said. I was just listening to music then i never knew i was asleep already.

Zzzzzz. We had a prom at a very weird place. Let's say, it looked like Hogwarts. Uhm. It has lots of stairs and it was very dark. Pretty creepy, right? I was collecting money for that event, then we had a tour inside the building. I was with my friends, but then i was too busy counting the money i collected. Moments after, the place was soooo silent. My friends were gone, and all i could see are stairs. I am a coward, so you already know what i did. Hahaha. I ran down the stairs then a schoolmate told me not to go down because no one's there. So, i stood up for a while then she disappeared out of nowhere. I became hysterical then ran to the direction where my feet took me. I found a door, opened it, then fell off the building. They say you wouldn't know that you're already dead. I was lying on a very clean carabao grass with butterflies flying around. It was the perfect place!! I saw Rani and Germaine coming. They sat down in front of my grave. But take note, i still didn't know i was dead. Rani kept on talking then she cried. I tried talking to her but it seemed that she never heard anything. I was about to pat her but my hands just passed her body. Well, you know what i mean. I can't touch her anymore. Then i tried it again and again. Still, i wasn't successful of touching her. That was the moment i knew i was already dead.

Then suddenly i woke up. I wasn't able to move freely ahead. I can't even breathe properly that time, then i was soooo cold. Something was really wrong!!! My heart started pounding so fast. The moment i was able to move, i held the hands of my sister, making sure that it was only just a nightmare! I became paranoid for a moment of time. It woke up 3 o'clock in the morning then slept again by around 4.

I considered my nightmare a test with death but i guess it meant something else -- God wanted me to realize that i'm not yet ready to die. Thank you, Lord!!! ♥

2-minute talk

The Girl Behind the Unbroken Smile 

Hi. I really don’t know what to share as my expression page the fact that my life is kind of uninteresting. So, I came up with this, instead. Sit back and prepare your pack of tissues as I read this not-so-emotional essay. 

I’ve always thought of what would happen to me if ever the time comes that I’ll be lying six feet under the ground. Like… What if I die? Will I be missed? Will my worth be realized? Will my absence be noticed? Will it turn out good, or along with my disappearance and silence will be the end of everything? Well yeah, I’m pretty sure my friends would. Perhaps, it's only them who seem to see my worth. Every single time something pops up my mind related to appreciation, I never fail to tear up. I always think my parents never appreciate me, because neither can I feel nor see it. I don't know. I feel like a worthless shit to them. Others say they only act like that for me to be more motivated to strive harder. I don’t really understand why they need to do this and that. I’m trying my best for them to realize I’m not like what they think, but my best seems to be not enough all the time. I’m different, and I’m fragile, I say. Yes, I usually get hurt even because of small things. Whatever you say, whether it’s important or the other way around, I tend to digest it until it becomes all my think-about and I even blame myself for being like this. I’m trying to be strong, but I guess I really can’t. I'm thankful I have my alter egos, or yeah, best friends. They are my shoulders to cry on, and my sweetest downfalls. They never fail to turn my frown upside down. Well, you know what I mean. But seriously, my friends are my life! I don't know what to do without them. I consider them my family, the fact that they are only the ones who could understand me. I’m a teenager, so I’m always misunderstood, but when I’m with them, I feel so good. I feel more than comfortable.

I over-think things. My mind's full of crap I cannot understand. I once thought of what will happen if I die now. Yes, now. Will people cry a bucket of tears? Will people miss me? Will people regret for not having me around anymore? Things like those. You know, this is one hard thing about keeping problems inside yourself. Well, I don't even know what those problems are. The only think that I know is that I don’t understand what I really feel. It just bugs me all the time. Like, every single time. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and probably confused.

It's hard crying yourself to sleep with no one else to lean on to. You might think I’m that emotional, but hey! This is me. I'm a cry baby, they say. Well, who cares? If that's the only way that I would feel a lot better, then so be it. You shall not judge a person unless you've felt their pain. People think I’m happy, like I have no predicaments in life, but deep inside, I’m really not. I sometimes even prefer to make others smile even if I, myself, is hurting inside. As the saying goes, “Sometimes, the girl who's been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her”. Every heart has a pain but the way of expression is different. Some hide it in their eyes and some hide it in their smiles. I’m good at it, yeah? 

I’m not an insecure person, but the only thing that makes me jealous is my sister. All the attention’s at her. As if she knows everything. We’re both always compared, and that’s very irksome on my part knowing that she has all the positive annotation, and I’m… Oh well, never mind. I’m also being moody at times. Like, hating everyone I see or hear, then finding myself very annoyed. Mood swings? Probably a part of growing up. 

I was once consoled by Ma’am Oyet about my shallow problem. It’s good having someone older than you to listen to your problems, because they are the ones who exactly knew more about life. According to her, we should forgive our parents for they do not know what they are doing sometimes. We should live our own life, and do good things because life is too short. We should take life lightly. 

I guess I just need to stop thinking of what others say, because at the first place, I wasn’t even born to please everyone. I’ll strive more to be better – to not cry at shallow things, to be stronger, and to be more responsible. Life is beautiful!!! As what Miley Cyrus said, "God gave you this life because He knew you were strong enough to live it".

What if?

What if i die? Will someone miss me? Well yeah, i'm pretty sure my friends would. Perhaps, it's only them who see my worth. You know what, everytime something pops up my mind related to appreciation, it's making me tear up. I don't know. I feel like a worthless shit. I'm thankful i have my friends. Bestfriends. They are my shoulders to cry on. They never fail to turn my frown upside down. Well, you know what i mean. But seriously. My friends are like.. my life!! I don't know what to do without them. I consider them my family, the fact that they are only the ones who could understand me. Yes, i'm always misunderstood, but when i'm with them, i feel so good. I feel comfortable.

I overthink things. My mind's full of crap i cannot understand. I once thought of what will happen if i die now. Will people cry? Will people miss me? Things like those. You know, this is the hard thing about keeping problems inside yourself. Well, i don't even know what my problems are. It just bugs me all the time. Like, every single time. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and probably confused.

It's hard crying yourself to sleep with no one else to lean on to. You might think i'm that emotional, but hey. This is me. I'm a cry baby they say. Well, who cares. If that's the only way that i would feel better, then so be it. You shall not judge a person unless you've felt their pain. People think i'm happy, but deep inside, i'm really not. I can manage to make you happy even when my heart's shattered to pieces.

I just wanna let this out. Please, just please. If you would be able to read this, just shut the fck up and mind your own business. I'm just a normal teenage girl who seeks for happiness because i want it so freaking bad.

Fifteenth

‘Cause when you’re fifteen, somebody tells you they love you, you gotta believe ‘em. Lalalala whatever. Last 20th of September was one of the best and probably the most memorable birthday bash i had. Woke up very early to the sound of my phone beeps, and it made me smile. As the day went on, my phone stayed silent. I kept checking on it to see if there’s someone who greeted me, but sadly none. Oh well. I thought that was alright. Perhaps, it was still very early that time. Before i arrived at school, dad gave me 500 pesos. Like seriously. That was the first time. He knew that i really wanted to buy a shoe i showed him. So yeah, i was very thankful. As soon as i entered the gate, or yeah, the school, i heard people shouting happy birthday everywhere. I was like wow. But the thing that really made me smile were the scribbles that my classmate wrote on the board as soon as i arrived at our classroom. I felt really special that time. Everyone started to sing me a happy birthday song with all those booms using the divan. Hahaha!! I wasn’t really expecting for that! Even my schoolmates went to the classroom to greet me.

We went to the covered court for the vocational symposium thingy. The joy was really evident on my face. Lol. As i walked through the corridors, my friends were shouting “happy birthday Maweeeee!!”. That awkward moment!!! Everyone was staring at me and i’m just like “hehe thank you!”. Hahaha. I’m not really used to those things. It rarely happens during my birthday. In fact, i think that was the first time! I felt really blessed.

My phone continued beeping the rest of the day. I even saved those messages for remembrance. Teehee! Well, so many things had happened. Things really turned out the way i didn’t expected it to be. My grandparents even bought me a gallon of Mocca ice-cream. They really knew that was my only wish for my birthday. Hahaha! I love you ma and pa! ♥

My parents also treated me a dinner at Cafe Uno. Priceless times! And oh, the thing that i won’t really forget was when my other grandma gave me lotsa gifts. Perfumes, clips, blouses, and necklaces. And!!!! 500 pesos, again. I almost cried that time. That was too big you know, well, for me. Didn’t stopped thanking God for that.

I also received gifts from unexpected people. From Prince!! He gave me a Superman shirt. Well, not really that “superman”. He just bought a white shirt then let it printed with a superman sign. Awesome right!!!! And also, from Edward, a Toblerone with a superduper awesome poem. Thanks a lot!!! :)

I really felt blessed that day. More than blessed, i say. I was just frustrated the fact that i haven’t had the chance to go to the church to light a candle and thank God for the blessings. Oh well. God knows i’m more than thankful!

Grades

I just wanna let this out.

Dad got my grades just this morning at school. So, i heard i was still an honor student. Thank God!!! When he arrived home, i was smiling when i approached him. Got curious because as if he wasn't satisfied with my grades. When i've seen it, i was a bit happy. Almost all of my grades were above 90 except Math. Hello? I even got scolded. I accepted the fact that he never appreciates me, even just for once. My flaws are the ones that are always being recognized. But the most heartbreaking moment was when he compared me with someone. Someone very intelligent that i looked up to myself as a dim-witted damsel. Oh come on. Let's be honest here. I hate my dad for that reason. Maybe that's also the reason why i am not that close to him. He's way different from my mom. I also find it unfair when he always praise my sister when she's doing good, then as if he ignores my sister's mistakes. I'm jealous, yes. I just want him to appreciate me. Is that too much to ask? It just hurts so bad. I admit i cried a while ago, but nobody in the house knew. Well, i'm quite used to it though -- having no one to lean on to. I'm gonna stay strong, and prove them all wrong.